Cave Mystery

For the first time, I wrote a script for a wedding ceremony for my friends, and Josh officiated. The wedding was in a public park. Josh and I wore almost the same clothes. People called us Mormons like Mormons were the first to think of dressing in black and white. Mormons don't have mustaches.

The bride and groom have always been the cutest straight couple I know. They both sew. They own a haunted mandolin that plays songs from inside its case. Their daughter will be unrivaled in practical skills. They spent the right amount of money on their wedding, which was the cost of cigarettes and beer for everyone involved.

Some people gave toasts, which were old, funny stories from college. I didn't give a toast. The bride and I were in studio once, and the bride said I would be the first person she forgot when we graduated. That's how I knew she wouldn't forget me. I sometimes suspect she's my sister. I have a toast for her, but it can't go anywhere but a letter.

I made a pie like I always make a pie. Someone drunk joked about how there must have been a sale on graham cracker crusts at the dollar store. I have a hard time raising my voice out of the cave of my throat, but I managed to say, "HOW DARE YOU. I made this butter crust by hand." I don't think the drunk someone heard me. Josh often repeats what I say so at least people will hear. They think Josh has good jokes. I don't mind. It's my schtick to just give this stuff away.

The truth about everywhere I've lived is there are bugs in the summer. I like walking at night. Josh and I went to a concert Saturday night and walked the three miles home from downtown. That's a lot of cockroaches we saw. I told one of my friends I like not having a car because I like walking, and he said, "Don't say that," like I'd just said something bad about a dead person. "You'll get a car someday," he said. He's in advertising and maybe thinks I just haven't met the right brand. I've heard that argument about other parts of my life.

I was at the bus stop, and I saw a man stumbling in yards and chasing after a white rabbit. The man was homeless. He'd been standing at the stoplight outside a sandwich shop. He was going to eat the rabbit. A mother and son were also at the bus stop. The son asked his mother why the man was chasing the rabbit, and the mother said, "That's not a rabbit. That man's dog just got away from him is all." The man saw us watching. He waved his hands like, "DON'T LOOK AT ME."